Say What?
by fancy-a-biscuit
Summary: Interviews/Chats with your favourite Harry Potter characters! T for language. R
1. The Order of The Phoenix

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, ****sigh**.** (This Disclaimer is for the entire story, ok?)**

**A/N: This is for your information, just so you know what's going on with this --**

**The people being interviewed sit in a room whilst a disembodied voice (That's the bold-print) asks the questions. The voiceover can see the people being interviewed but they can't see the voiceover. There you go! Now you're clued up, sit back, relax and enjoy… (Well, as much as you can, it's pretty crap)**

**Especially Big Thanks to Strange Magic and l123o123v123e123 who suggested some of the following questions!**

**Let the show begin …**

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Say What!?

**Hello! And welcome to "Say What!?" - the show where **_**you**_** – the public send in questions for your favorite book characters! Today I am joined by some of The Order of The Phoenix – Kingsley Shacklebolt, Molly Weasley, Alastor "Mad-Eye" Moody, Hestia Jones and Nymphadora Tonks. **

NYMPHADORA: Bloody, Nymphadora, stupid name. S'just Tonks.

**Okay, hi guys!**

HESTIA: Err, hi?

KINGSLEY: Hello.

NYMPHADORA (Hereon known as TONKS to avoid risk of decapitation via spoons): Wotcher!

ALASTOR (Hereon known as MAD-EYE, because although that's not his real name and to a lesser person it could be quite offending everyone calls him that anyway): Hello.

MOLLY: Good evening.

**Shall we start with the first question then? This one's from Lucy in Glasgow, she says 'Have you ever found yourself in a romantic situation with an enemy?' (A/N: Thanks for that question Strange Magic)**

MOLLY: --Sprays out large mouthful of water from complimentary glass of water, like the kind they have on chat-shows—

HESTIA: --Giggles—

TONKS: What are we meant to have done? Got off with Voldemort?

HESTIA: --Giggles some more--

TONKS: Had a quickie with Lucius Malfoy? –Snorts--

MAD-EYE: --Blushes--

MOLLY (in inquiring tone): Mad-Eye?

MAD-EYE: Well, I'd drunk a lot of firewhisky and, and-

TONKS: I'm sorry, but that is truly, truly sick.

KINGSLEY: _You_ and _Lucius Malfoy_? –Looks disgusted--

MAD-EYE: Actually, it was Dolohov.

HESTIA: --Giggles more, falls off chair--

**Okay... moving on. Next question – this one is from Edward from Manchester for Kingsley – who was your first crush? (A/N: Thanks to l123o123v123e123 for that question!)**

KINGSLEY: Ah, do we really need to discuss this? It's a tad embarrassing.

MAD-EYE: Well, they've fully embarrassed me already.

TONKS: Yeah, c'mon Kingsley!

KINGSLEY: --Mumbles something--

MOLLY: We didn't quite catch that dear.

KINGSLEY: Well, it was in my second year at Hogwarts-

HESTIA: Who was it, Kingsley? _Who_?

KINGSLEY: McGonagall. –Blushes—

TONKS, HESTIA, MOLLY, MAD-EYE: …

HESTIA: --Giggles—

TONKS, HESTIA, MOLLY, MAD-EYE: --Break into uproarious fits of uncontrollable laughter, with much 'clutching of sides', 'streams of tears' and the other clichés an activity such as this would encompass—

MOLLY: --Puts up hand to stop laughter-- Now, it's not very nice to laugh, just one question though, _why?_

KINGSLEY: --Mumbles to shoes, which are pointy navy boots from a wizard's shop in London called 'The wizard's navy, pointy boot shop in London'-- Can we have the next question please?

**Of course! This one's from Leticia in Cornwall – 'What item in your wardrobe would seriously shock the fashion police?'**

MOLLY: There was a hot pink leather cat-suit I had to wear as part of mission once.

TONKS: --Sniggers-- What kind of mission?

MOLLY (Shocked): For the Order of course!

MAD-EYE: --Coughs--

MOLLY (to MAD-EYE, in angry tones): You can't talk - sleeping with Dolohov!

MAD-EYE: --Blushes again--

**Okaaaay, Next question! From Richard in Dumfries – 'What do you like to do in your free time?'**

KINGSLEY: Umm, well you don't get a lot of that, working for the Order but-

TONKS (interrupting KINGSLEY): Yeah, you could say we're _slightly_ over-worked.

HESTIA: --Nods-- Mmmhmm,

MOLLY: That's not what she asked.

TONKS: Well… --Turns to face MOLLY--

MOLLY: Well, what?

TONKS: Well, what do _you _like to do in _your_ free time?

MOLLY: Umm, I- err, no free time bec-, having seven children, I- uh…

TONKS: Ha! You had to get those children in the first place! –Breaks into victorious peal of laughter—

MOLLY (looking angry): I- well, then! You can talk!

TONKS (looking irate): Meaning?

MOLLY: Well- Teddy!

TONKS: --Glowers at MOLLY, looks livid hair turns from bubblegum pink to fiery red, jade green, midnight black etc.--

MOLLY: --Glowers at TONKS, looks equally livid, breaks death glares by turning away--

KINGSLEY: Umm, next question please?

**Of course! Here's our very own question! 'Does Hestia ever actually do anything except for giggle?'**

HESTIA: What?! Of course I do other things! Right Guys! --Looks around at fellow Order members, supposedly for support, although could be perving on MAD-EYE, who knows?--

TONKS: Uh, yeah. I mean- like, erm…

KINGSLEY (In best attempts at heroicness, not to much avail): You can make a mean cup of tea!

HESTIA: Is that all you could think of? –Looks hurt, shoots daggers at KINGSLEY—

MOLLY: No, no of course not

HESTIA: Is that all? –Huffs and wriggles in seat--

**Um, yes.**

MOLLY: Good! –Storms out--

HESTIA: Yeah! –Storms out--

TONKS: Mmmhmm. –Storms out--

KINGSLEY: Uh- --Walks out normally--

MAD-EYE: Hmmph. –Peers round door to check for potential Death Eaters, Inferi, Maths Teachers, Dementors, Blast-Ended Skrewts, Evil Flobberworms, Dragons or Trolls. Leaves room--

**A/N: Okay, so it sucks. Or does it? I dunno. That's where you come in my friend! You see, you press that little grey button there and tell me if you liked it. Also next I'm doing 'The Death Eaters' questions suggestions! (Hehe that rhymed!)**

'**Til next time my little cherubs! **

**xxx**


	2. The Death Eaters

**A/N: Not much to say really except for big hugs to all those who reviewed, love you all, especially sarina678 who suggested a question for my own personal utilization. I like long words, yay long words!**

**I'd like to dedicate this chapter to my friend Christabel because she loves My Chemical Romance and she read the other chapters and thought it was awesome. Also she told me the names of people in a rock band e.g. bass guitarist. Thanks babe!**

**Anyway, ON WITH THE SHOW!**

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Say What!?

**Hello! And welcome to another episode of "Say What!?" where **_**you**_** – the public send in questions for your favorite book characters! Today I am joined by some of The Death Eaters – Bellatrix Lestrange, Barty Crouch Jr., Lucius Malfoy, Fenrir Greyback and Narcissa Malfoy. Hi Guys! **

LUCIUS: Do not fall into the trap of believing that your annoyingly chirpy tone and Americanized expressions will prevent us from seeing through your disguise.

**Umm, I'm sorry but what disguise would that be?**

FENRIR: We know that you're really one of those Order pricks.

**I'm not one of **_**them**_**! They're all retards! They came in here and spent two hours arguing and shooting death glares at each other!**

NARCISSA: So, you're not one of them.

BELLATRIX: And you're not working to bring down our dear lord Voldie?

**Umm, no.**

BARTY (Hereon known as CROUCH JR. because BARTY sounds like somebody's pet hamster): Oh. That's alright then, shall we have the first question?

**Okay! This one is from George in Aberdeen – 'I heard a rumor that The Death Eaters were originally a rock band. Is that true?'**

LUCIUS: Indeed, it is.

NARCISSA: I was on bass guitar…

BELLATRIX: …And I was on drums…

FENRIR: …Lead Guitar…

LUCIUS: …Keyboard…

CROUCH JR.: …Vocalist!

FENRIR: We rocked!

LUCIUS: We did, you know that song – 'Welcome to The Black Parade' – that was originally ours.

BELLATRIX: Before that little Gerard Way bastard and his evil Gas-Mask cheerleader minions came and stole it.

NARCISSA: We were going to use it as part as a recruitment program, you know with The Death Eaters being The Black Parade.

FENRIR: So we could reel in the young generation of emos to join us.

CROUCH JR.: But then _Gerard _had to ruin it all. –Scowls—

**Next question! From Chloe in Swansea 'Is Crouch Jr. actually a 903 year old alien called The Doctor in disguise as a human like in that episode with the scarecrows, because he looks a lot like The Doctor?'**

CROUCH JR.: Uh, not as far as I know.

BELLATRIX: Oh my GOD! Doctor Who! I love Doctor Who! –Begins swaying side to side whilst humming the theme tune to 'Doctor Who'—

LUCIUS, NARCISSA, FENRIR, CROUCH JR.: --Stares at BELLATRIX with expressions of fright mingled with awe—

BELLATRIX: --Put's on Dalek-like voice— Exterminate!

NARCISSA: Uh, Bella. We're supposed to remain composed and sullen at all times. It's in our contract.

FENRIR: Want me to bite her? –Licks lips—

**No biting! Let's just move onto the next question – From Fiona in Belfast – 'If you're Death Eaters, do you eat death? If so, what does it taste like?' (A/N: Thanks to sarena678 for that question, cyber hugs!)**

LUCIUS: We can't eat death. That's impossible.

FENRIR: I bet it would taste good though, like steak. Mmm… steak… –Drools—

NARCISSA: I'm not willing to risk it. Eating Death would probably kill you.

CROUCH JR.: Wait. So if we don't _eat_ death, why are we called 'The Death _Eaters_'?

BELLATRIX: Who cares? It sounds cool. It's better than 'The Order of The Phoenix'.

LUCIUS, NARCISSA, CROUCH JR., FENRIR: --General murmur of agreement—

**Moving On! From Becky in Liverpool – 'When you were young were you all emo?'**

BELLATRIX: Hell, yeah! I had it all – the eyeliner, the Converse All-Stars, the studded belts…

NARCISSA: Not really, I was more of a erm… what's the word?

CROUCH JR.: Slut?

LUCIUS: Prep?

BELLATRIX: … the skinny jeans, the band t-shirts…

FENRIR: Hippie?

NARCISSA: Hippie? No way. Slut and Prep, more like it.

BELLATTRIX: …Constant depressed demeanor…

FENRIR: I'll bet you were a slut. –Waggles eyebrows suggestively—

LUCIUS: Excuse me, that's my wife –Grips pimp cane in a menacing fashion—

**Umm… last question then folks! This is our own personal question from here at 'Say What!?' – 'What would you do if you found out that I was just a teenage girl sat in her room, typing this on her laptop?'**

CROUCH JR.: I'd crucio your ass.

**--Gulps— Errr, that's all for this week on 'Say What!?', until next time keep sending in your questions, next weeks interview – The teachers of Hogwarts!**

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****A/N: There you have it! I personally like this one the most, but "Hey!" it's not my opinion that counts – it's yours so let me know what you think – REVIEW!! Also question ideas for Dumbledore, McGonagall, Flitwick, Snape and Slughorn, you have no idea just how much I appreciate them.**

**Much love **

**xxx **


	3. The Teachers of Hogwarts

**A/N: Bonjour! I should be on my knees groveling for forgiveness regarding this chapter's lateness, but I decided to take a break, have a kit-kat, you know? Also, I was trying to think of a name for my laptop (I decided on Fred, after our dear departed) not that I would be so sad as to do that. **

**Name my laptop I mean.**

**Cyber hugs to all my gorgeous reviewers! I love you all! As they say in Middle-Earth "May the hair on your feet never fall out!" **

**Especially, big hugs to SetTheTruthFree, NickyFox13, moon crescent neko, l123o123v123e123, chickenwriter and sarena678 for all your question ideas!**

**This chapter is dedicated to Snowlia who gave me the loveliest review I've ever had!**

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"Say What!?"

**Hello! And welcome to another episode of "Say What!?" where **_**you**_** – the public send in questions for your favorite book characters! Today I am joined by some of The Teachers of Hogwarts – Albus Dumbledore, Minerva McGonagall, Filius Flitwick, Horace Slughorn and Severus Snape. Hi Guys! **

MINERVA: You will not refer to us using our first names or as _'guys' _again, Miss Interviewer. You will show us proper respect and call us by our last names unless you wish for a month of detention, do I make myself clear?

**Umm, yes Miss. **

(Note: All interviewees will be hereon known by their surnames in order to avoid the severe boredom that is detention.)

McGONAGALL: Good.

**Sh- shall we get started then?**

FLITWICK: Go ahead…

**This one's from Bethany in Dorset, she says "Will Dumbledore ever trim his beard?" (A/N: Thanks to sarena678 for that one! ****Cyber hugs!)**

DUMBLEDORE: I happen to like my beard long.

SNAPE: Is it compensating for something?

DUMBLEDORE: I am going to pretend that I haven't got the foggiest as to what you are talking about.

**Err, next question! From Fiona in Blackpool – "Did Dumbledore and McGonagall ever go out?" (A/N: I am sending Cyberhugs to SetTheTruthFree, NickyFox13, l123o123v123e123 and chicken writer for suggesting that question to me!)**

SLUGHORN: Well, I always suspected something…

McGONAGALL: No. Never, it's just a rumor.

FLITWICK: Sometimes rumors can be true.

SNAPE: Indeed.

DUMBLEDORE: I can assure you, the relationship between Minerva and I is truly that of friends and colleagues.

SNAPE: --Coughs—

McGONAGALL: --Glares at Snape—

DUMBLEDORE: FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! CAN WE STOP IMPLYING THINGS SEVERUS! I HAVE NEVER HAD ANY RELATIONSHIP WITH MINERVA, I'M GAY FOR GOD'S SAKE! DON'T YOU USE THE INTERNET!?

SNAPE: WHAT'S THE INTERNET YOU DIMWIT!?

**Can we not turn this into another incident like I had with The Order please? **

DUMBLEDORE: Sorry. I lost my chi.

SNAPE: Ditto.

SLUGHORN: What happened with The Order?

FLITWICK: That interview is the reason why none of the women will talk to each other anymore.

McGONAGALL: And the reason why Mad-Eye blushes whenever someone mentions Dolohov.

SLUGHORN: Why does he blush?

DUMBLEDORE: --Whispers something in SLUGHORN'S ear--

SLUGHORN: --Turns green, faints on top of FLITWICK, squashing him flat—

FLITWICK (from underneath SLUGHORN): Help.

**We're going to take a break now, whilst we call St. Mungos to come and err, sort out this mess. See you in five!**

_--Commercial break—_

**Hello! Welcome back to 'Say What!?" where we have relocated to a room in St. Mungos so that we can continue this interview! Unfortunately, Professor Slughorn will not be joining us because he has had to be taken to the long stay, mental ward in order to 'rid his mind of the terrible images which were planted there'. In his place we are joined by none other than Professor Sybill Trelawney! Hello!**

TRELAWNEY: My dear, you are in grave danger!

**Okay! Next question 'Does Snape own clothes in any other color than black?' from Rachel in Perth.**

SNAPE: Umm, no.

DUMBLEDORE: Why?

SNAPE: Long, swishy robes do not have the same effect in any color other than black.

McGONAGALL: All, the same you should try and wear some color.

TRELAWNEY: If you don't I forsee your impending DOOM!!

SNAPE: Hmmph. I like black.

FLITWICK (Covered in bandages, lying in a hospital bed): Really? I was under the impression that you loathed him!

SNAPE: I am not paid enough for this job.

**Moving On! 'When you were at Hogwarts were you ever caught by a teacher doing something you shouldn't have?' from Sam in Exeter.**

FLITWICK: Never. I was the epitome of good behavior. What about you?

TRELAWNEY: I was once caught in the kitchens with some cooking sherry in my third year after Meredith Hopman called me "Bug-Eyes', I made her see the grim and she died the next week.

McGONAGALL: I will admit, I too was caught performing misdeeds in my time.

SNAPE: Such as…

DUMBLEDORE: Indeed, do tell.

McGONAGALL: Broom cupboards and the like.

SNAPE: _You _were caught _snogging_ in broom cupboards!

FLITWICK: So it would seem.

TRELAWNEY: Even _I_ didn't forsee that one!

**Finally, our own personal question from us here at 'Say What!?' – 'Can Trelawney predict something for us?'**

TRELAWNEY: Umm, certainly my child. Uh, I–, I see a death! A painful, dark DEATH! You will all DIE! Especially _YOU_! –Points out of the door of hospital room--

RANDOM HEALER: Me?

TRELAWNEY: Err, undeniably! You!

RANDOM HEALER: AAAAAHH! –Runs away screaming—

**Uh, that's it now for this episode of 'Say What!?', next time we interview none other than Voldemort!**

**Goodbye!**

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**A/N: Review. Enough said.**

**Much love **

**xxx**


	4. The Dark Lord

**A/N: Nothing much to say except for...**

**Lights, Cameras, ACTION!**

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'Say What!?' – SPECIAL EDITION

**Hello and welcome to 'Say What!?' where today, viewers, we are interviewing none other than Voldemort. So say 'Hey!' to the one and only, Dark Lord Voldemort! Hi!**

VOLDEMORT: Greetings foolish mortal. Mwahahaha!

**Err, okay, I can see this will be interesting. **

VOLDEMORT: Indeed it shall! Mwahahaha!

**Anyway, changing the subject: Voldemort sounds so creepy, can't I just call you Voldiepoo? **

VOLDIEPOO: No.

**Voldiekins?**

VOLDIEKINS: No.

**Okay, okay. Just Voldie, then?**

VOLDIE: No.

**What about Tommy-Boy?**

TOMMY-BOY: No.

**The-Man-Who-Let-The-Boy-Live?**

THE-MAN-WHO-LET-THE-BOY-LIVE: No.

**Larry?**

LARRY: NO!

**Okay, okay. I'll call you **_**Voldemort **_**then. If you insist.**

VOLDEMORT: I do. It's either that or you refer to me as his awesomeness.

**No, thank-you! Shall we get started with the first question?**

VOLDEMORT: Yes. Let's get this over with, I have some very important people to kill and Ministries to take over.

**From Rosie in London – 'What is your favourite flavor of ice-cream?' (A/N: Thanks to TheGoatThatKnows!)**

VOLDEMORT: Ice-Cream!? ICE-CREAM!? I, Lord Voldemort, have no time for such frivolities. –Tries to do evil laugh, but has a dry throat which prevents him from doing so. Drinks some of that complimentary water, little does he know it is spiked with Veritaserum and Vodka— Mwahahaha!

**Any other reasons you don't eat ice-cream? **

VOLDEMORT: Yes, I mean, daaaahling, it's terribly fattening. I didn't win number #1 sexy evil megalomaniac overlord in 'Witch Weekly's' annual survey for nothing you know!

**Incidentally, the next question is: 'Is it true you only won the 'Witch Weekly's' annual sexiest evil megalomaniac overlord survey because Bellatrix Lestrange put the Imperius Curse on approximately 1000000 people and made them vote for you?' from Kyle in Dundee.**

VOLDEMORT: Of course not!

**Just a reminder that, according to the script - you are under the influence of Veritaserum. And Vodka. Even though they are basically the same thing.**

VOLDEMORT: Damn. Yes, it's true.

**Haha! Aww, bless! Bella loves Voldie! And Voldie loves Bella! Voldie and Bella are in LURVE-**

VOLDEMORT: Avada Kedavra!

…

VOLDEMORT: I _said, _AVADA KEDAVRA! –Pauses-- Okay, why are you not collapsing in a motionless heap at my evil and very sexy feet?

**Oh dearie me. Voldiekins-**

VOLDEMORT: It's Voldemort.

**Damn it! This is my story! I'll call you what I like!**

VOLDEMORT: Avada Kedavra!

**Spells ain't gonna work on me, sucker!**

VOLDEMORT: Aww. Why not?

**The same reason McGonagall couldn't give me detention.**

VOLDEMORT: What would that be?

**You are just a figment of some middle-aged woman's overactive imagination.**

VOLDEMORT: Really?

**Yup. Anyway, I can't help but feel we've strayed from the actual point of this story – **_**me**_**, interviewing **_**you**_**, and **_**you**_**, giving embarrassing answers. So let's move on – this one is from Amber in Aberwystwyth (A/N: That's Welsh, by the way. I didn't fall asleep on top of the keyboard. No offence to welsh people.) 'Why do you have a nose in the Philosopher's Stone film but not in The Goblet of Fire and Order of the Phoenix?'**

VOLDEMORT: The films aren't real. They're entertaining. But not real, that's why. They LIE!

**In what way do they lie?**

VOLDEMORT: I could recite you a list if you like.

**Fire away.**

VOLDEMORT: Okay.

A): Dobby found the Room Of Requirement for Pott-Head not that Neville prat, who killed my dear Nagini. –Has emotional breakdown— In fact, there is no reference to that house elf at all since my whole Chamber of Secrets escapade. What they are going to do when it comes to the year on which I rock and then die, I do not know!

B): In real life, that Potter kid's eyes are green. I mean, 'Hell!' that writer woman mentions it every two minutes! But, NO! In the film, his eyes are blue.

C): There is absolutely NO reference to Narcissa Malfoy OR Regulus Black. Once again, what they are going to do when it comes to the year on which I rock and then die, I do not know!

D): Moody does NOT have a strap-on eye, dufusses!

E): Why the hell does Lupin have a freaking moustache in the film! Where did _that _come from?! He looks like freaking Hitler!

F): Snape's Worst Memory, well they just went and twisted it and cut it up until they got that load of tosh! Grr…

**I can see you feel very strongly about this.**

VOLDEMORT: --Sniffs—I do. My counselor says it's unhealthy, I say 'go away' or words to that effect.

**Shall we have the next question then? From Oliver in Scarborough 'Aren't you way annoyed that you got owned by a bunch of angsty teenagers and their freaky parents?'**

VOLDEMORT: Hence the counselor.

**And now! Our personal question from the team here at 'Say What!?' – Can you tell us a joke?**

VOLDEMORT: Uh, what do you get if you cross Dobby and The Giant Squid?

**I don't know. What do you get if you cross Dobby and The Giant Squid?**

VOLDEMORT: I don't know either, but it's freaky! –Manic laugh--

**Umm, right. Anyway see you next time on 'Say What!?' where we'll be joined by 'The Trio'! **

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**A/N: Did it suck? Did it rock? Did it suck a rock? Let me know - review!**

**Oh and by the way, I realize Voldiepoo was OOC for the main part. We must remember he had drunk veritaserum AND vodka. A VERY dangerous combo my friends, VERY dangerous.**

**As you know next I am doing 'The Trio'. Suggest questions folks! Random questions! Random is best!**

**Much Love**

**xxx**


	5. The Golden Trio

**A/N: Yes! I know! I'm terribly naughty! I haven't update in a while; this is due to a terrible bout of writer's block. **

**Plus, I've been in mourning since reading the end of 'Dear Harry' by totallymindless, READ IT! It is insanely good.**

**So good, it's not… sane.**

**Anyway, I'm back now.**

**Big love-age to all my reviewers. I just looked at the review count, it's 75. **

**I feel loved.**

**Especially big thanks to the lucky two people whose questions I utilized. XD**

**This chapter is dedicated to the one and only Miss Preston, for making the Paris meeting so funny, by being stupid. Not on purpose, I might add. Oh, how I love that poulet. **

**Let the show begin…**

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'Say What!?'

**Hello, and welcome to 'Say What!?'! And, to kick things off after I was a lazy arse for a month, whom else could we interview but these guys? You guessed it! The **_**Trio**_**! Hi Guys! **

HARRY: Hi!

HERMIONE: Hello!

RON (In an alien-like voice): Greetings!

HARRY: Ron, why did you say 'greetings' in that strange voice?

RON: --Goes wide-eyed—It's not that Voldemort has come back from the dead, bringing with him his death-eating man-whores and loyal fan-girl, and put the imperius curse on me, in order to get to you, and kill you for revenge.

HARRY: It had better damn well not be, do you realize how freaking hard it was last time?

HERMIONE: Like, yeah! I totally broke a nail!

HARRY: Umm… Hermione? Why are you being all American and plasticified?

HERMIONE: It's totally not that Voldemort has come back from the dead bringing with him his cronies and Bellatrix decided to put an imperius curse on me so that I could kill you before Ron so that she would earn the Dark Lord's eternal love and hand in marriage. Nor is it that all Bellatrix had to go by on my personality was a clichéd fan fiction in which I have discovered hair straighteners and make-up, act in a totally un-Hermione-ish way, speak using Americanized phrases, even though I'm English and all the boys in Hogwarts think I'm _hot_. –Ditsy Giggle--

HARRY: Good.

**Err, guys.**

RON: You rang.

**Shall we get started with the questions?**

HERMIONE: Like, totally.

**Well, okay. This one is from Nicola in Exeter – 'Ron, do you have anything to say to all the Harry/Hermione shippers out there?' (A/N: Thanks to AmyScissors for that question suggestion!)**

RON: HARRY! You _stole _my woman! I _hate_ you! Crucio!

HARRY: …

RON: HERMIONE! You _betrayed_ me! I _hate_ you! Crucio!

HERMIONE: --Examines nails—

RON: Uh, Miss Interviewer Lady-Person?

**Yes.**

RON: Why don't my spells work?

**Have you not read the other interviews?**

RON: I can't read. I'm just Harry Potter's dumb sidekick.

**Oh, right. Well, that explains a lot. **

RON: So why don't my spells work then?

**Well, Ron – because I am the author of this story I have poetic license over you so if I don't want them to work, they don't work.**

RON: That sucks.

HERMIONE: Ron, because 'sucks' is like a totally American term, it should be me saying it. Not you.

**She's right. Go on Hermione…**

HERMIONE: That sucks.

**Shall we have the next question?**

HARRY: Yes, lets.

**Okay, 'I heard a rumor that instead of becoming an auror in the future, Harry will become a French cheesemonger. Is it true?' - Gwen in Staffordshire. (A/N: Thanks to TheOriginalHufflepuff for that question suggestion!) **

HARRY: Of course it's true!

RON: Really!?

HERMIONE: Like, totally! Didn't you know?

RON: How did _you_ know? Oh yes! I remember, you're having an affair with him! --Crosses arms and turns away from

HERMIONE—Humph!

HARRY: No, I had a party announcing it a few months back.

RON: Well, how was I supposed to remember! Voldemort wiped my memory before putting me under the imperius curse!

HARRY: --Looks scared—

RON: N-not that h-he did that.

HARRY: --Gives sigh of relief—

**So you really are a cheesemonger?**

HARRY: Yup.

**Why?!**

HARRY: Well, I've always had a fondness for cheese… --Goes into a daydream—

**Erm, well, the next question is: 'Harry - do you have any embarrassing stories you can tell us?' from Ben in Kendal.**

HARRY: Well, the whole 'Chosen One' thing was pretty bad. All these girls kept coming up to me and saying 'You're _my_ Chosen One, Harry." –Shudders—

RON:--Laughs Uproariously—

HERMIONE: --Ditsy Giggle— Anymore?

HARRY: Not really, except for that time Moaning Myrtle spiked my pumpkin juice and I did the conga with the house-elves around Hogwarts, naked.

RON: Oh _yeah._ I found the video of that the other day, along with the video of Hermione, the one time she got wasted. I put them both on YouTube.

**Really?**

RON: Yup. –Looks proud--

**Wow! We're going to take a short commercial break, whilst our team all flock to our IT unit and watch these videos! See you in five!**

--Commercial Break—

**Hello! Welcome back to 'Say What!?' where we are interviewing The Golden Trio! Hi Guys!**

EVERYONE: Hi!

**Hey, Harry… come and do the conga! Huh! Come and do the conga! Huh!**

HARRY: Don't make me go all kick-ass on you.

**You can't go all kick-ass on me, this is my story not yours. I control the plot.**

HARRY: Damn.

**That is exactly what everyone else said.**

HERMIONE: Like, really?!

**Yeah, it's kind of annoying actually. I bet my viewers are getting bored of me having to explain that every interview.**

RON: You're right.

HERMIONE: We should, like, totally end this interview differently.

HARRY: Yeah.

EVERYONE: Hmm…

--5 minutes later—

**I've got it!**

HARRY: Ooh! What?!

--'Rocky' theme-tune starts playing—

RON: Huh?

--Enter VOLDEMORT, DARTH VADER and PARIS HILTON--

**A fight between Good and Evil! This will really boost our viewing figures!**

VOLDEMORT: Prepare to DIE! –Pulls out wand—

DARTH VADER: Prepare to DIE! –Pulls out light saber—

PARIS HILTON: Uh, what they said! –Pulls out Chanel Handbag—

RON (in annoying high-pitch voice): Bother! Bother! Bother!

VOLDEMORT: Avada Kedavra!

RON: --Falls asleep at VOLDEMORT'S feet— (A/N: Nobody can die in this show. Why? Because I said so! Mwahahaha!) –Starts snoring loudly—

HERMIONE: Whaaaah! –Does a series of Karate/Matrix style fight moves—

DARTH VADER: --Uses The Force—

HERMIONE: --Falls asleep at DARTH VADER'S feet—

HARRY: Stupef-

PARIS HILTON: Uh, I'm _so_ hot.

HARRY: …

VOLDEMORT: Avada Kedavra!

HARRY: --Falls asleep at PARIS HILTON'S feet—

DARTH VADER: And, now Miss Interviewer Lady-Person! You will DIE!

**For God's **_**sake! **_**Must I say it **_**again**_**? I control the freaking plot! Take **_**THAT**_

--Dudley appears in the middle of the room—

DUDLEY: --Farts—

VOLDEMORT, DARTH VADER and PARIS HILTON: --Faint—

**Ha! Thanks Dudley!**

DUDLEY: --Whimpers—

HARRY, RON and HERMIONE: --Wake up—

HERMIONE: Whoah! What happened? I feel like I've just been under the imperius curse for the past week and then knocked out by Darth Vader.

RON: Same. Except with Voldemort, not Darth Vader.

HARRY: That's because you have.

**Well, that's it for this episode of 'Say What!?' be sure to tune in next week, where we'll be interviewing The Original Gryffindor Quidditch Team!**

**Keep sending in your questions! Bye!**

* * *

**A/N: Yay! **

**I'm rather proud of that! Tell me what you think…**

…**REVIEW!**

**Also, all question suggestions much appreciated.**

**As per-usual.**

**Much Love**

**xxx**


	6. The Original Gryffindor Quidditch Team

**A/N: Greetings, My Young Padawan. (Although most of the people who read this are probably older than me.) **

**Anyway, forget that first sentence. **

**As usual I am sending all butter flapjacks to all my reviewers. The people who didn't review, I am sending howlers. Haha! I jest. Not really, I still love you, I just love my reviewers more.**

**Oh, and sorry for the immense delay, I've had a bad combination of writer's block and a deadly bout of ohmygodmyhistoryteacherisamanbitchforsettingmethismuchhomeworkitis.**

**This Interview/Chapter/Installment/Spazz-fest is dedicated to the one and only C.C – who rocks my socks! Den-i-al forever!**

**On with the show…**

* * *

Say What!?

**Hello, and welcome to another episode of 'Say What!?', the interview show with a twist! Today's lambs for the slaught-, I mean interviewees, are none other than the original Gryffindor Quidditch Team! Hi Guys!**

OLIVER: As team captain, on behalf of the team I say: 'hi!'

ALICIA: We can speak for ourselves thanks.

OLIVER: I am just trying to be captainly.

ANGELINA: Is that even a word?

**No.**

KATIE: How do you know?

**The spell-checker came up when I typed it.**

ALICIA: What's a spell-checker?

**Never Mind.**

--FRED and GEORGE burst into room—

FRED, GEORGE: Hi! Sorry we're late!

OLIVER: Why are you late? If you did that on a match day we would be in the deep sh-

FRED: Long story, but…

GEORGE: …we were in Diagon Alley and…

FRED: …we were just…

GEORGE: …leaving and then…

FRED: …the epitomes of all…

GEORGE: …evil fell from the sky…

FRED: …there were loads of them…

GEORGE: …but they were all led…

FRED: …by the evilest of them all…

GEORGE: …ZAC EFRON!

**Dun dun DUUH!**

FRED: Thank you.

**You're welcome.**

ALICIA: What happened next?

FRED: Well, after a while…

GEORGE: …more turned up…

FRED: …Britney…

GEORGE: …Hitler…

FRED: ...Count Olaf...

GEORGE: ...Becky's Maths Teacher...

FRED: …just general bad-guy bitches…

GEORGE: …and because we were the only ones there…

FRED: …_we_ had to kick their scrawny little asses…

GEORGE: -so that's why we're late.

KATIE, ANGELINA, OLIVER, ALICIA: --Look gob-smacked—

ALICIA: _Really?_

FRED, GEORGE: --Laugh maniacally- no.

ANGELINA: That _didn't_ happen?

FRED: No.

OLIVER: So why were you late then?

FRED, GEORGE: We overslept.

KATIE: It's 5 in the afternoon!

FRED, GEORGE: Man! That was one good party.

**Shall we have the first question now that everyone's here?**

KATIE: Yes, let's.

OLIVER: Hey! I'm the captain! I give the orders!

**Do **_**not**_** mention the word 'Order' in my presence.**

ANGELINA: Why not?

**Trust me you do **_**not**_** want to know. Anyway, the first question is from Christine in Herefordshire – "Why-**

FRED: Do you have to ask us questions?

**Uh, well, yes. That is the general idea of an **_**interview**_

GEORGE: Yeah, but can't _we_ ask _you_ the questions?

**Erm…**

OLIVER: That is actually a good idea. Why didn't I, Captain of the team, think of that?

GEORGE: Because you, Captain of the team, spend too much time thinking up lousy pep talks to actually come up with any good ideas.

**One question – why?**

FRED: Because his pep talks are too long-winded to be any good-

**I meant why do you want to ask me the questions as opposed to the other way around?**

GEORGE: I knew that.

FRED: Same. And the answer to your question is: I don't particularly want some random teenage girl prying in my personal information.

**So you'll pry in a random teenage girl's personal information?**

GEORGE: That appears to be the general consensus.

**Fine! See if I care. Might boost the reading figures anyway… **

OLIVER: Ooh! Can I ask the first question!?

**Fire away.**

OLIVER: Boxers or briefs?

**Well that's original…**

KATIE: --Giggles—

ANGELINA: --Giggles—

ALICIA: --Giggles—

**You three are worse than Hestia.**

FRED, GEORGE: _Nobody's_ worse than Hestia.

**True, true…**

OLIVER: Stop trying to get out of it and answer.

**The Quidditch is cancelled.**

OLIVER: Say it ain't so-

FRED: I will not go…

GEORGE: turn the lights off…

FRED: …carry me home.

OLIVER: Oh My GOD-

GEORGE: I can't believe it…

FRED: I've never been this far away from home.

OLIVER: Show some love-

GEORGE: You ain't so tough…

FRED: …Come fill my little world right up.

ANGELINA: Right up, right up…

FRED, GEORGE: Umm, no. Let's not.

OLIVER: Excuse me, but I'm trying to have a full on hissy-fit here.

KATIE: Carry on.

OLIVER: People can't you see! You have ripped out my heart and performed the can-can on top of it. And now it is spurting blood everywhere! –Screams in a really high-pitched girly tone, à la Timmy's Dad in Fairly Odd Parents and faints—

ALICIA: Whoa.

**You know, I think we've had more casualties on this show than 'Holby City'.**

--Random doctor off 'Holby City' whose name escapes me falls through ceiling à la that guy in 'The Breakfast Club'—

RANDOM DOCTOR WHO'S NAME ESCAPES ME: We're gonna have to take him to theatre, get a bed.

**I guess we'd better wrap it up.**

ANGELINA: Aww, why?

**Because I've got a terrible, sudden case of writers block and my Mum is calling me for tea.**

ALICIA: Oh, okay.

**So guys, tune in next time where I'll be interviewing those badass Slytherin bitches, bye!**

* * *

**A/N: Yes, major suckage. **

**The first reviewer who can name me all three songs I used and whoever sings them gets a chapter dedication and will appear in the next interview!**

**Much Love**

**xxx **


	7. The Marauders

**AN: 115 REVIEWS! I feel so incredibly loved.**

**I would like to dedicate this chapter to all my lovely amigos, but most especially Crizzy-bum, Georgi & Clo, because they are, and will always be, at the top of my to-do list. Lolz.**

* * *

'Say What!?'

**Hello and welcome to the 'Say What!?' on this lovely Valentines Day! We are joined by none other than 'The Marauders'! Hey Guys! **

SIRIUS: Did you just say it was Valentines Day?

**Yeah...**

SIRIUS: Well, Valentines Day was last week.

**Yes it was, but I was too busy to post this onto the website, even though I wrote it on Valentines Day.**

JAMES (in the incredibly annoying and suggestive tone which most members of the male population seem to have): Why? What have you been up to?

PETER: Well, on Valentines Day she had to do homework for the following day, the fifteenth was her brother's birthday and also the day she went to stay in Yorkshire with her brother, parents and some family friends. In the house she stayed in there was no computer access and then she got back on Monday. Following this she realized that she had a family history project and a ton of revision to do and has spent the past few days doing that. Oh, and she slept at her friend Danielle's house last night and went shopping with her today.

REMUS: Have you been spying on her or something?

PETER: Nope. No, no, no. Negative. Not at all. Most especially not in the Topshop changing rooms.

**Should I be scared?**

SIRIUS: Very. I remember the last time Peter went all stalker. What was the poor girl's name again?

REMUS: It wasn't a girl, it was Arabella Figg.

SIRIUS: Oh yeah… --Shudders--

**Anyway, as it's Valentines Day, and I can't think of what else we could talk about, let's discuss **_**lurve**_**. We'll go in alphabetical order, Mr. Potter.**

REMUS: But Potter comes after Black, Lupin _and_ Pettigrew.

**Yes, but I am religiously canon unless the fic is beautifully written, which this isn't, and seeing as Remus' love life isn't canon until about 20 years time, Sirius has no canon relationships and Peter, I suspect to be asexual, except for the whole stalker incident. Therefore, we're starting with James.**

SIRIUS: Oh. Makes sense.

**Yep. So, James, any plans regarding a certain red-headed love interest?**

PETER: Molly Weasley!? James that's disgusting…

SIRIUS: --Hits PETER around head with newspaper which has appeared, mysteriously, out of nowhere—

REMUS (Whispers): She means Lily you pinhead. (AN – Gotta love the word pinhead)

PETER: Oh. Yeah. I knew that.

**So, James…**

JAMES: Well, it's a bit embarrassing…

**That's exactly what this show's all about.**

JAMES: Well, I've written her a poem.

PETER: --Spazzes out--READ IT! READ IT! READ IT! READ IT!

SIRIUS: Yeah, James, c'mon - read it!

REMUS: Go on…

JAMES: --Unfolds a pink sheet of paper, dotted with love-hearts drawn in the glittery pink gel-pen that Sirius bought James for his birthday—

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

For thou art more temperate and lovel-

**Sorry to interrupt, but someone's already written that.**

REMUS: Yeah, James. Sorry - Shakespeare's already done that one.

JAMES: Damn. I thought it sounded familiar when I wrote it.

SIRIUS: You know, Our Dear William was gay.

PETER: The Bard was a BENDER!?

SIRIUS: --Hits Peter around the back of his head with that same mysterious newspaper— Don't be such a homophobe!

PETER (Squeakily): I wasn't.

REMUS: So, basically James, the bottom line is, you can't send that poem to Lily, because somebody's already done that, and he probably sent to a man anyway, which would be comparing Lily to a man and not a summer's day. Which she probably wouldn't like very much and this would result in blunt scissors in places where blunt scissors really have no right.

**So, if you cannot dazzle her with your incredible poeticism and talent for writing, what could you do?**

REMUS: You could serenade her.

JAMES: I could…

SIRIUS: What? And risk the life of every single glass item within a fifty-mile radius? I don't think so.

JAMES: Sirius, you are supposed to be supportive, it's in your contract.

SIRIUS: Right-o boss. Sing away, you have the voice of an angel, the song of a nightingale, the tone of a choir-boy, the-

**X-Factor?**

SIRIUS: Of course! Indubitably! Without a doubt!

JAMES: Slight overkill there Sirius… I liked it. I may have to consider a pay-rise…

**Uh, James?**

JAMES: Oh yeah, what am I going to sing to her?

PETER: A song?

**Good start Peter, 10 points for Dumbass-dor, seeing as that's your house.**

PETER: I don't get it.

REMUS: --Completely ignores PETER, everybody does nowadays-- So what song is James going to sing?

SIRIUS: Hmm… Everyday I Love You Less and Less by The Kaiser Chiefs (AN: Woo! Kaiser Chiefs!)

JAMES: Sirius, the pay-rise idea is over.

REMUS: And so is the singing I take it.

PETER: Aw, that's a shame I love your singing James.

REMUS: Only dogs can hear it, Peter, it's that high-pitched.

SIRIUS: And they wish they couldn't, trust me.

**--Sighs— I guess James'll just have to opt for a box of chocolate and some roses.**

SIRIUS: Or some kinky underwear.

JAMES: Sirius! That's brilliant! I knew I hired you for another reason other than that you were cheap.

**And we wonder why she hates him?**

REMUS: James, are you sure about this?

JAMES: Yep.

REMUS: Peter, although nobody values your opinion, the author of this wants you to speak anyway in order to put some humour into this sham.

PETER: --Looks up from licking the sofa cushion—Whah?

**Do you agree with this idea?**

PETER: I dunno. I wasn't listening, I was lost in my own thoughts about how berry-like the cushion tastes.

**That's probably residue from what Dudley did when he came in during Interview Five.**

PETER: --Continues licking--

**Okaaay, disturbing. Anyway, that's it for this time and for the entire of this series. I hope you've enjoyed it. I certainly have. **

SIRIUS: What!? The end of the series!

REMUS: --Looks Shocked--

JAMES: Hmm… black or pink? Satin or lace? Hmm… decisions.

PETER: Ooh, boysenberry…

**--The entire of the people who have been in the show fall in through the ceiling—**

ROOFING CONTRACTOR: Bloody hell! That's the third time that's happened!

BELLATRIX: Crucio!

VOLDEMORT: Good work minion! First roofing contractors, next THE WORLD!

HARRY: --Twitches—Must. Save. World. Voldie. Must. DIE!

**I think we'd better say goodbye before a fight breaks out. **

TONKS, HESTIA, KINGSLEY, MAD-EYE, MOLLY, LUCIUS, FENRIR, NARCISSA, BELLATRIX, CROUCH JR., MCGONAGALL, DUMBLEDORE, FLITWICK, SNAPE, SLUGHORN, TRELAWNEY, RANDOM HEALER, VOLDEMORT, HARRY, HERNIONE, RON, DARTH VADER, PARIS HILTON, DUDLEY, OLIVER, ALICIA, ANGELINA, FRED, GEORGE, RANDOM DOCTOR OFF 'HOLBY CITY' WHOS NAME STILL ESCAPES ME, SIRIUS, JAMES, REMUS, PETER: BYE! –Waves—

RANDOM DOCTOR OFF 'HOLBY CITY' WHOS NAME STILL ESCAPES ME: And now, the end is near. And so I face, my final curtain-

DARTH VADER: Shut up.

**

* * *

****Ah, the end. I know I promised a DA chapter and a Slytherin chapter. I tried writing both, but alas! They sucked. That's why this took so long.**

**Anyway, tell me, what was your favourite part in fic? Best line? Let me know - I appreciate it so much. Thank you for reading!**

**Much Love**

**xxx**


End file.
